I’ve been stitched in places that the sun doesn’t shine and have three small incisions on my stomach from a full hysterectomy two weeks ago. Despite this I have felt better in the last two weeks than I did before cancer. If that wasn’t enough to be feeling good about, I also got news back from my doctor that everything they took out of me was cancer free. Why then did I look like this after getting off the phone with my doctor?
Three reasons.
- Relief from hearing there was no cancer in the girly parts. It wasn’t even on my radar until a preliminary all clear was given to Carl post surgery.
- My doctor said “You have been through so much.” I choke up on those words every time I hear them. I would love to hear if anyone else does too.
- I admitted to my doctor that I have been trying to overcome pain with nothing but plain old strong-willed stubbornness and it hasn’t been working. Owning up to what I hid is harder for me than the physical stuff.
I haven’t been very active since my last phase II DIEP FLAP surgery in December. I suppose after that surgery I went on a bit of a strike. I was tired of, well, everything. Back pain, blood clot related pain and the pain I hadn’t been talking about. I call that pain cancer ache. Cancer ache is like the Tin Man before he has oil. Everything feels rusted and stiff in every joint from toes to neck. I know it’s not special to cancer. People live with it everyday.
I thought cancer ache was just my burden to carry and I was trying to carry it silently. I’m not a fan of taking a lot pills outside vitamin and some supplements. I have limited OTC pain killers for the times when things were just not manageable. I thought I was managing this. I wasn’t managing it, I was tolerating it.
Is that how life is supposed to be lived? Did I fight for this life to just tolerate it? Why do I think that I have to tolerate aches to a point that the aches are keeping me from living my best life? I was afraid to go on walks because I was afraid I would hurt too much to get back home. I was so stubborn that in my head I thought mental strength would eventually overcome the ache. I thought I just needed a break and then I would bounce back. Turns out the kind of strength I needed was extra strength Tylenol and Gabapentin, not extra strength stubborn. It took taking out the girly parts for me to realize I didn’t have to live feeling this way. Tears are good for me. It means that I am making space to grow more.
I leave you with this poem I wrote in April when I was riding on the struggle bus. Don’t be like me. If you are hurting in any way you don’t have to just tolerate it. Talk to someone and keep talking until you find the someone who can help.
