Two years ago, I was wrapping up a big project at work and we were preparing for a vacation when I found a lump in my right breast which turned out to be cancer. The unknown hung over our heads even though I tried to push it out of my mind.
We recently went on our first vacation since then. I had some déjà vu and anxiety. A few days before we left some digestive issues came up that honestly may be nothing. Unfortunately once I heard the word cancer two years ago, I don’t feel like I can write off things as no big deal. I think I do a pretty good job of not walking around every day fearing that cancer has come back but when something pops up the fear does creep in.
That’s what happened when my primary care called me while we were on vacation and said “This may not be anything, but with your history we cannot count on that.” We can’t count on it it because I have lost the luxury of medical ignorance. We were walking into a candle store when I got the call and we returned to the store when I finished the call. I tried to not let the fear creep in but I wasn’t successful. We returned to our hotel room and I sobbed to Carl “I can do this again if I have to. I don’t want to but I can do it. I just don’t want to die. This feels too familiar.”
I don’t think about dying a lot but I guess when push comes to shove it’s there in the back of my mind.
I was definitely getting way ahead of myself. I do feel like this is likely nothing major but along with the loss of medical ignorance is the loss of medical innocence. I know now what the other side looks like. Carl once again walked me away from the cliff that anxiety was trying to jump off of. He gave me a few minutes to get it out of my system and then we moved on with our day.
A day or two after getting that call we went out for donuts. I knew that Asheville had a lot of street art. We sought some of it out. I was not aware that there was a Wonder Woman one so it was a pleasant surprise to walk out of the Donut shop and see it across the street. Universe reminder received loud and clear. No matter if I’m dealing with something little or big, I will be able to get through it. First up to get through is my first colonoscopy. I may be more scared of the prep for that than anything else…
