I’ve been pretty quiet since October. I was fighting with Menopause and it was convincing me that I didn’t have anything interesting to say because you know I am the only woman ever to go through menopause so no other women or men for that matter would ever want to hear about it.
Surgery was in June and things were going really well. Heck, I felt better after surgery than I had in a long time. I was delusional in thinking I was going to dance into this next chapter with flowers in my hair and my arms outstretched in a sheer joy.
It was the calm before a storm. Rain started in October and transitioned to a full downpour in November. At first I noticed what I have since heard a psychologist call an awaking of an otherwise subtle case of ADHD. All the thoughts in my head that normally I can direct decently piled up like cars on an icy highway. Where’s my fellow neurodivergent brains at? Did you know others don’t hear 1000’s of thoughts at once? How strange right?
It took all my concentration and energy to keep my brain on task to get a single sentence out. I was fighting myself so hard to get a single sentence out that I could not handle interruptions. Any derailment of that sentence stomped on the last of my patience. Patience that I was clinging to for myself and for others.
We did surgery to shut down the hormones and I take a “keep the cancer away” drug to suppress any rogue hormones out there. My body took the suppression of hormones and any other form of suppression personal. It rebelled by knocking down any filter I have.
I can laugh now, but one time I snapped my head around so quickly in response that I am very certain Regan (Exorcist) would have crab walked herself under the bed to hide. And I, well I cried after doing it
This is exactly the version of myself I was afraid would come out.
I’ve met this version before. We called her the Blue Pill Monster years ago when she would appear during the blue pills of birth control. Ultimately what led to me stopping the pills. Left untamed she would bite your head off and then try to pat it back onto your body, sincerely telling you how pretty you are. She would kiss your check before darting away for the next victim.
Let’s just say that Bish be tripping.
In October, she was trying to make a return after a long dormant period only now she was a Menomonster. When my mind would clear and I could focus, these really sad dark thoughts would fly in out of nowhere. One minute, washing the dishes, the next running us off a cliff wondering why I was even still here. Leaving me with whiplash wondering where those thoughts came from.
I was trying to get all this under control as “naturally” as I could but felt like I was failing. I had two different anti-depressants suggested to me and I almost pulled the trigger on one. I picked it up from the pharmacy but I could not ignore a deep gut feeling telling me not to take it. I did some digging and realized that some of the lesser known side effects were not something I wanted to chance. Keep the cancer away med creates aches and pains. If I have to choose where I get my side effects from it is going to be from the keep cancer away drug over any others if I can help it.
No worries for my family and friend’s safety. I didn’t resign myself to living as the Menomoster. I did exactly what I preach against in my professional life. I threw everything under the kitchen sink at the problem. I have returned to acupuncture. I started ashwagandha, tart cherry juice and reintroduced CBD. I am doing NeurOptimal Neurofeedback which very simplified is brain training and I have had some brain spotting sessions. I get regular massages.
I don’t know what has helped what. I just know it has all helped so it doesn’t really matter what is helping what. What does matter is that I feel better. I feel like I have brand new legs that only hurt mildly and toes that tingle less. I feel like the tow truck has come in to remove the traffic jam in my head and I believe Linda Blair’s character is less scared of my moods now. It’s always a good thing when you feel nicer than someone possessed right?
I have multiple fellow fighters going through rough roads in their journey. Please send them some virtual love by sending vibes, prayers or whatever good mojo you got.
