I had a get together with my people this week. The pandemic delayed shipping on their Christmas presents so I decided to turn this into a Mardi Gras party and give them their Christmas. Carl had help from a friend in building us some shelter in the carport to block us from the wind. He surprised me by hanging up some lights. We set up the patio heater and we were going to use the portable fire pit but discovered during a brew day that that it created a bit of smoke shack so we skipped that. I made homemade Jambalaya, like for real homemade not just Zatarain’s made at home this time. I also made king cake cupcakes complete with the baby on top. It was nice to spend times with my friends and even if it was socially distanced and bundled up in a blanket.
On the cancer front I had follow up with Dr. Chemo man this week to discuss the blood clots and plan for moving forward. He explained that blood clots can take 6 weeks to 6 months to dissolve and all we can do right now aside from the Xarelto is wait. I cannot go back on Tamoxifen because he believe it caused the clot.
Tamoxifen is the only premenopausal drug available. There are more options once you are in menopause so we have to throw me into menopause. I can either go into menopause via a shot every month or have a complete hysterectomy. Either way once that happens I can start a new aromatase inhibitor. Girly parts make hormones but even with those gone estrogen comes from the adrenals. Even if the adrenals were gone (which they use to take in these cases) estrogen comes from somewhere else they haven’t found yet. The AI blocks it from meeting up with any cancer hiding out there.
I’m going the route of the hysterectomy. Ironically I was headed that way after my first mammogram which showed no signs of cancer. I was one appointment away from it happening when I stopped the process because of insurance reasons. Back then I was doing it because my girly parts have been a pain in the uterus ever since they woke up and I am was just over them. Ultimately at that time I chose pain over debt. Having debt back then is no comparison to what I have accumulated now but who can say that doing the surgery then would have prevented where we are now. I’ve wondered but you really don’t know. 10 months later the mammogram showed cancer.
I’ve spent my post puberty life cussing these girly parts and you know what happened this morning? I felt a tinge of sadness that they will be gone. That’s like being sad that lice is gone. What is my problem? So as my unpaid therapist would say “Let’s unpack that.” I had a flash of a thought come to me that my boobs are gone and when the girlie parts are gone too what’s left that makes me girl? I mean I know I don’t have a stick and berries either so I’m not boy. What will I be? As quick as the thought came, it was followed by “Really? You are ridiculous that’s what you are.” Just like that all was well again. I guess I was ok with being ridiculous.
Dr. Chemo Man had to spend some time walking me off the edge too. Taking me off Tamoxifen wasn’t my idea and I could barely whisper to him “What if it comes back while we wait?”. I also told him about the pretty intense back pain I am having. I would say that back pain has been the first “Wait is this cancer spreading pain…” moment that I have been worried about. He sent me for a x-ray on that which my unprofessional opinion supported by Google says it’s nothing but scoliosis and increasing arthritis in the back. He also reminded me that we did surgery, chemo and radiation in effort to get all the cancer and the scans support that we succeeded. The tamoxifen is just extra insurance.
If he is okay with waiting then I will try to get to okay with waiting too since I really don’t have a choice. I plan to let the good times roll on Fat Tuesday by returning to the chemo pod to share beads. How will you celebrate Mardi Gras?
