Late Sunday night the cramping in my leg got bad enough that I knew it needed to be evaluated so in the middle of the night I signed up for the first virtual visit I could get. My primary care physician doesn’t want me coming into the office if I can avoid it so we try to do as much as possible virtually. These visits are amusing as we try to figure out how to turn the camera to show what needs to be seen. I wasn’t surprised when I was sent for an ultrasound to rule out a blood clot.
I know the technician cannot give me any information and I didn’t ask for it. He caught me off guard when he said “Your doctor wants you to wait here in the hospital waiting room until she calls.” HIs delivery of that reminded of a creepy butler ushering you into a room to wait for the host. He felt mystery and dramatic when he made that declaration and he didn’t come up off any other information. He just slipped back quietly behind the double doors leaving me out in the waiting room going into panic mode. I was sure I was going to be admitted. Minutes passed by slowly while I waited for the call. The urgent matter? I needed to pick up a prescription for Xarelto immediately and she was trying to save me a trip. I appreciate that but she about caused ore issues from scaring the bejeezus out of me. I was also told to pick up compression socks and call Dr. Chemo Man to let him know what was going on.
I left a message for Dr. Chemo Man and didn’t expect a call back. Nothing to do now expect start up the stink think.
“I caused this. After the last surgery I haven’t been active enough. I should have done this. I could have done that. Doesn’t matter that you were tired of it all. Now look at you. Blah, Blah, Blah…”
Pretty Good Stink Think
I didn’t expect a call back by Dr. Chemo Man’s office so it I was very surprised that my stink think was interrupted by his nurse calling. She said he wanted me off the Tamoxifen immediately because it can cause blood clots. That was not on my radar at all. It should have made me feel better to know I didn’t cause it but instead it threw me into full out sobbing. Tears were coming down because fear instantly told me Tamoxifen was my only option to keep the cancer away. If they took me off it then I was convinced it was a guarantee it was coming back.
I don’t think about cancer coming back very often. It’s there in my mind but not front and center every day. Boy did it come running up front and center for it’s attention in this moment. I think it confused the nurse and she awkwardly was trying to get off the phone. Most women cry that they have to take Tamoxifen and here I was crying because I was being taken off it. If I was wallowing in stink think before her call I was now becoming a sewer brewer. There was no amount of reasoning Carl could do to get me out of this quickly. Full out “You just don’t understand” sobs were coming out of me. I could have gotten a Daytime Emmy for this scene.
All is well here now expect for the platelet party happening in my leg. Tamoxifen induced blood clots were not on my radar. If you are on Tamoxifen be on the look out for it.
