They say cancer changes some people. I don’t know if others would say it has changed me or not. My guess is they would say right now they can see I’m scared more easily. I’m scared that my boobs were cut off, I went through chemo, and am pushing through radiation just to have the COVID cooties take me down. I’m probably even more risk aware today than I was before. My mind can find monsters where I never dreamed they would hide. Do I give credit to cancer or COVID for that? I think COVID maybe. But anyway…
I’ve shared before, I’m searching for a peace inside. I don’t like radiation. I didn’t want to do radiation. Not that I wanted to do chemo but I chose some of my treatment plan in the hopes of avoiding radiation. Yet here I am, going everyday except the weekends. I lie on the radiation table and repeat over and over “Thank you for this healing light. Thank you for this healing light.”, hoping it cancels out all the ick feelings I put out there about all the reasons I don’t like it. Chemo is harder physically but for me radiation is a mind suck.
I balance rocks and take pictures of them because it makes me concentrate on something other than the monsters and radiation drama woes I make up. I paint the rocks to release the energy stirring inside. It’s something I thought about pre cancer now I’m doing it.
Water is solace. In college, I went to the water when it felt like everything was falling a part. Last year we went to the water after a very stressful time at work. That was just weeks before diagnosis and I had found the tumor the day before we left for the ocean. I’ve known that I needed the water now but wasn’t sure how best to reunite. That is until I saw an inflatable kayak. Kayaking is something I thought about pre-cancer but space, cost, etc talked me out of it. Realizing that an inflatable one was a possibility made something brighten inside of me and the excitement butterflies start flying around. I loved kayaking as a kid at Girl Scout Camp with Andrea and Tammy. It’s been years and years since I last did it. Could this be my way back to the water again?
“You don’t have the strength. Your brain can’t even figure out or trust your arms to get out of the bathtub sometimes. What if you get germy water in something? What if your kayak sinks and your skin gets wet where you have radiation? What if you get out there and then are too tired to get back?”
Oh the mind monsters were there. All of them. I checked with my doctor trying to either feed them or silence them. I woke up at 5:30 am and the forecast was beautiful. The mind monsters kept trying to say No, No, No. But deep in my soul the little voice I’ve silenced for so long said “You need this and you need to try.”
Carl decided to ride along in the Jeep just in case. I wanted to puff up my chest and say “No!” especially when he unknowingly echoed a mind monster sentence. I didn’t though because 1) It felt kind of good to have back up to fight the mind monsters and 2) I didn’t think it was a battle I would win since he was awake at 6am.
There were obstacles. The electric pump didn’t work. I thought about considering that a sign but with Carl being there it drove my stubbornness enough to convince me to try the hand pump. I didn’t die or wear out doing that like the mind monsters said I would.
In I got and off I went. It may have taken me longer to get ready than I was actually on the water but that’s ok. Baby steps so that I can do it again. With glee and surprise I looked back at Carl and said “I’m doing it!” I got further away and I cried, like the release kind of cry where your shoulder scrunched up and down. Maybe happy? Maybe sad? I don’t know and the tears fall now admitting that.
For awhile this may be a solo thing for me other than Carl hopefully giving it a try on occasion with me. I have some acceptance and healing to do and I know the water can drift me there.
I’m pretty generous and free with sharing my “cancer card”. Today I want to share it with you. It doesn’t expire and it has unlimited use. Pull it out and say to your mind monsters “Not today mind monsters. I’m using Valerie’s cancer card and I’m going <insert what your heart is saying>.”
Next up…start my motor scooter gang.
