Before I was diagnosed there was something I was holding on to. I blanketed it in hope until hope turned to anger. I swaddled it in that anger for a very long time until it outgrew my confinements and turned into something ugly that maybe resembled control. When I realized how much it had changed me I thought I was doing good for me by hiding it away as sorrow. There…you live there as sorrow and we can co-exist, nicely and neatly put away and done…
There is a very specific place in my body that I could feel all these things related to what I was holding on to. In hope it was warmth, in anger it was fire and in sorrow it was a heavy weight.
The morning of my biopsy I was awake early. Not really with intention of this happening I began to write a letter to what I had been holding on to. Through my writing I was letting go as each tear fell. I realized that the place it hurt the most when I thought about what I was holding on to was the exact location of where my lump was. I had wrestled and mangled what once was a beautiful hope and locked it up so tight that now I was afraid it had turned on me and was eating away at me. Without officially knowing that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer I officially knew I had to set this thing free.
I don’t think it’s always possible to know what causes diseases. Alternate medicine hyphenates the word disease. When you do this it becomes dis-ease, like the lack of ease. This thing I had carried around definitely was a dis-ease for me. It could turn me upside down with simple things like a look at a picture or the ask of an innocent question. Letting it go was my first step in treatment before the diagnosis even came. Do I think it caused cancer? No. Do I think it was healthy for me? No absolutely not.
Why share this now? Perhaps it’s a commonality amongst those of us who have one word turn everything around. I don’t want to invite my body to get so out of balance again with any of those emotions that it revolts on me to get attention while I spend more of my energy feeling frustrated, hurt, angry, or slighted instead of feeling loved. I also don’t want that for any of you. Some burdens I know. Some I don’t but I see the trauma trail they have left behind and I guess my holiday wish is for you to be free of it before it turns on you.
If while reading this you feel a tear forming in the corner of your eye, a burn happening anywhere in your body or a rile come out from feeling uncomfortable with exposure, please know I am speaking directly to you and I am doing it because I care about you. It’s not about life being too short for you to carry your burden any longer. It’s that life is too good for you to carry your burden any longer. Release it before it turns on you. Write, exercise, speak out loud to it, pray, see a therapist… Do what is needed to set it free. If what you do first doesn’t work try a new method. We are moving into the season of releasing the old and starting new. For me my release started on September 13th.
Love, Medicine and Miracles is an interesting book on a surgeon’s experience with working with patient’s on self healing. Some parts are a bit clinical but there has been plenty that I have said “Yes!!!” out loud to and it reaffirmed to me that September 13th started my healing.
✌️❤️🤣
