Most days I authentically wear a smile. But sometimes there is no smile. That was Monday of last week.
Physically there is no pain in this picture. Mentally I was raw. I was scheduled for my heart test and while I really am use to being poked by the needles, the previous 3 hour affair had more of an effect on me than I expected.
I was struggling because I felt like I was using cancer to be lazy. I was scared that I was letting life pass me by while I sat in a recliner using treatment as an excuse. I then felt guilty because there is a lot of investment into this fight and I was scared I was wasting it by being lazy. Laying on the floor I begged for guidance. I know that my minimal side effects have been a gift and I don’t want to spit in the face of it.
I got myself up off the floor and meditated. “Create will be peace” is what kept coming to me and I realized that I needed to redefine productivity. I’m going to try new ways to create that I’ve held back on before because I was scared of failing. Do you understand how ridiculous that sounds? It sounds just as ridiculous as I’m being cancer lazy. The process is the art not the product and my soul is craving that process. I’ve been gifted with a slow down time where I can learn, be inspired and create. That’s not lazy. It’s flourishing.
That’s what I am doing in this new year.
