I saw a trailer advertising an upcoming “Will and Grace” episode. When I saw Grace in a hospital gown and bed with anguish on her face my inner voice said “Oh she has breast cancer too” and I felt…I don’t know what I felt. Seen? Companionship? When I realized she didn’t have breast cancer I felt silly and confused by why my brain automatically think someone in that scene must have breast cancer? Why did I need this fictional character to be like me? How can you feel alone but not lonely? I’m not living in some recliner island all by myself forgotten by the world. People reach out to me daily checking on me. Some come to the house just to just “see my face” which I know is code for assess the level of truth behind my words that I’m ok. I’ve been out and about to see people. Logically, I know I’m not alone. Despite knowing this, for one minute the other day I needed a fictional character on television to be like me. It’s strange the way logic can get lost.
I have a follow up appointment with my plastic surgeon’s nurses today. I’m a bit concerned about the swelling that I have under both armpit areas. The bra I was put in immediately following surgery is the only one I can tolerate. All others eventually hurt to the point of tears. I’m hoping that the nurses can help me find a bra solution.
I would still be loving you
Mountains crumble to the sea
There will still be you and me”
~Thank You by Led Zeppelin
Carl’s birthday is coming up soon. Cancer consumes your mind when you are diagnosed. He deserves a celebration without cancer interference. If you ever find yourself feeling sorry for me through this process please shift that energy toward him. I’m not an easy patient. I’m stubborn. I want more independence than I need. I wear my “I’m ok” mask tight until the tears start to fall and if he begins to comfort me I will stiffen with conviction that I am okay and I am just being dumb. I don’t like to share burdens. Sprinkle that with a full self-awareness of these characteristics. Imagine trying to care and protect someone like me through this. Knowing when to be firm vs. flexible or when to give a dose of tough love versus when to pull me close to comfort me is walking a tight rope. Even when logic leaves me like it did watching Will and Grace, I still know I’m not alone because he chooses to be by my side. It’s not lost on me that it is a choice I’m lucky he has made. He deserves a celebration, not because of how he is handling all this. Many people shine in bad times. He deserves a celebration because he shines no matter the times.
